I Am a Target Market
I just realized something. I'm the dream of any subscription-based company--one who is irresistably attracted to free trial periods and equally incompetent at cancelling during said trial period. This is why I've been a member of eMusic for, I dunno, two years and why I am currently a paying member of the woefully inadequate Blockbuster Online. I don't think I've ever mailed in a rebate in my life.
I'm sure this means something, and I'm sure it's not good, but I'll be honest, I'm already kind of bored of writing about this.
Technology, the Future, and You
Well, more than a month has past since my last post (I feel like I'm a bad Catholic at confession--bless me, for I am lazy). I haven't written much because frankly, I haven't had much to write about. I now have a job working for Corporation (tm) answering phones and helping angry old people use their computers. Theoretically, my day-to-day interaction with the terminally computer illliterate ought to provide a feast of material from which to bless you, the gentle reader. In actuality, I get home, don't want to talk to anyone, and never want to touch a computer save for MySpace and World of Warcraft, two of the guiltiest pleasures I'll admit to. Really, they should just combine the two and get it over with--maybe let you slay some orcs and stalk your middle school crushes at the same time (oh Ashley Nichols, where art thou?).
Anyway, there are a few ways of staving off the insanity that comes when you stare into the black abyss of your future and see a possible lifetime licking the boots of Corporation (tm). The first is meaningful interaction with the people you love. This is difficult if your definition of meaningful interaction doesn't include WoW or MySpace, so we'll scratch that. The second and most effective way of fending off existential despair comes from something far more primal: buying stuff off the internet.
Sometimes we Americans (and especially denizens of Orange County) get a bad rap for what some call our "crass commercialism." I prefer it think of it as focusing on our national strengths. Sure, we might not have the best schools or national healthcare system, but we can outspend anyone dollar for dollar, dammit. So it makes sense that we can squeeze a little bit of meaning out of our greatest gift. Me, I've bought all sorts of things off the internet--books, music, clothing, ridiculous and unnecessary nostalgia pieces, et cetera. But one thing I have never bought is a little piece of the internet itself. Until today.
That's right, this is an announcement to update your bookmarks, because the Cosmic Mixtape can now be found at WWW.THECOSMICMIXTAPE.COM!
Try and hold in your excitement.
Actually, you don't even need to update your bookmarks, because it'll just kick you back to this page anyway, for right now at least. Sigh. I thought this would be cooler. Still, something's gotta get you through the day, and hope is just passe. Well, until next time.
Back Like Lazarus
After a long hiatus, possibly the longest I've gone without blogging in the past five years (I'll have my assistant check my extensive records) I am back with a vengeance, with a vendetta, with a bone to pick. That's right folks--you didn't come here for weepy graduation narratives, east coast travelogues, or Lifetime (tm) memories--look for those on Livejournal or Xanga or whatever emo-blog you're running nowadays. No, you're here for the... um... well, I'm not entirely sure why you're here, but I'm sure as hell going to give you a reason to stay. Because there are things that piss me off. And I'm going to tell you about them.
A drumroll would be nice.
Things that Piss Andrew Off, vol. 1
a celebration of stupidity
5) Sequels of famous novels written by modern-day hacksYes, I know you love
Pride & Prejudice. Everyone does, it's a
good book. Believe it or not, you do not have a special connection with Elizabeth Bennett--everyone identifies with her because she's a
good character. So sure, feel those lovey dovey feelings in your heart, but keep them there, and for the love of all that is holy do not ever think that you have any sort of galactic permission to write your own glorified fan fiction about what happens after the book is fucking over. Every line you write is like stabbing Jane Austen in the grave. If you love her so much, try not to defile her legacy.
4) TiVoing a movie that you own and that is in the DVD case three feet away from the televisionI'm sorry, but I have to take a cheap shot at my Mom. I think this one is pretty self-explanatory. You
own The Wizard of Oz. It's
right there. We buy you all these movies for presents and than you use our valuable TiVo space that could be filled with MacGuyver reruns. So seriously, break out the DVD case, pull out
The Adventures of Robin Hood, and please don't tape over my Iron Chef episodes.
3) People who misuse "fewer" and "less," even after I have been so considerate as to correct themYou know which hand to salute the flag with. You know how to tie your shoes. So why is it when wielding the English language you instantly become the mental equivalent of a retarded chimpanzee, flinging the shit of your bad diction all over the stainless steel walls of proper speech? You use "fewer" when dealing with discreet units. You use "less" when dealing with things that cannot be divided into discreet units. You have
fewer brain cells. You have
less intelligence. Got it?
2) My dog, and the fact that my family even has a dog to begin withIt's a good thing you're cute, Henry. That's nature's defense mechanism. Just because I have some sort of biological mandate to love you doesn't mean I don't want to kill you
all the time. No, please, chew on my shoes. I love it. And I must say, I really appreciate it when you bite my face. It's really endearing. It's also great that you fling yourself against the glass door when I'm trying to kill my mind with television. As if that makes me want to play with you more. Just one warning--if you ever get into my room I will renounce my vegetarianism like
that.
1) MarriageReally, what's to say? It destroys everything that's good in the world. Also, it eats up post-collegiate Saturdays like Pac Man. A Pac Man with a cash bar. Sigh.
Quotation of the Day (Well, Yesterday)
My sister, to me, while watching Pride & Prejudice."Don't worry, somewhere out there there's a Mr. Darcy for you."
Thanks, Megan. Thanks a lot. So, finals this week (preceded by a final bout of studying) and then graduation on Saturday. And then... everything else, I suppose.
A real update soon? Perhaps.
Paper Cut
Ugh. 7 pages down, 18 pages to go. This is bad. I should have at least 5 more pages done to be as unmotivated as I am right now. On the plus side, this is about that time of the semester when I start updating my blog wildly in an effort to not do anything worthwhile. Anybody want to write a Shakespeare paper? 'Cause I don't.
Her Majesty (The End?)
Sigh. This is the final end-of-semester scramble of my undergraduate career. It's enough to make one nostalgic--that is, if one gets nostalgic over incredible psychic stress and severe academic underachieving. I have a major test tomorrow on a subject I know little about. I'm hosting Biola's film festival tomorrow evening and I don't know my lines. I have a paper due next week justifying a film I have not yet made. I lose health insurance in a matter of days.
When people refer to college as the best years of your life I get wildly suspicious.
It should be noted that instead of actually studying for my major exam tomorrow, I'm reading
The Adventures of Dr. McNinja. I might be the worst student of all time.
Compare and Contrast, Children!
Chocolate Gelato = good. Dry root = bad. If you must have one to have the other, what do you choose? Be careful, now.
