The Cosmic Mixtape

I Am a Target Market

2006-08-08T22:38:00.000-07:00

I just realized something. I'm the dream of any subscription-based company--one who is irresistably attracted to free trial periods and equally incompetent at cancelling during said trial period. This is why I've been a member of eMusic for, I dunno, two years and why I am currently a paying member of the woefully inadequate Blockbuster Online. I don't think I've ever mailed in a rebate in my life.

I'm sure this means something, and I'm sure it's not good, but I'll be honest, I'm already kind of bored of writing about this.

Technology, the Future, and You

2006-08-07T23:30:00.000-07:00

Well, more than a month has past since my last post (I feel like I'm a bad Catholic at confession--bless me, for I am lazy). I haven't written much because frankly, I haven't had much to write about. I now have a job working for Corporation (tm) answering phones and helping angry old people use their computers. Theoretically, my day-to-day interaction with the terminally computer illliterate ought to provide a feast of material from which to bless you, the gentle reader. In actuality, I get home, don't want to talk to anyone, and never want to touch a computer save for MySpace and World of Warcraft, two of the guiltiest pleasures I'll admit to. Really, they should just combine the two and get it over with--maybe let you slay some orcs and stalk your middle school crushes at the same time (oh Ashley Nichols, where art thou?).

Anyway, there are a few ways of staving off the insanity that comes when you stare into the black abyss of your future and see a possible lifetime licking the boots of Corporation (tm). The first is meaningful interaction with the people you love. This is difficult if your definition of meaningful interaction doesn't include WoW or MySpace, so we'll scratch that. The second and most effective way of fending off existential despair comes from something far more primal: buying stuff off the internet.

Sometimes we Americans (and especially denizens of Orange County) get a bad rap for what some call our "crass commercialism." I prefer it think of it as focusing on our national strengths. Sure, we might not have the best schools or national healthcare system, but we can outspend anyone dollar for dollar, dammit. So it makes sense that we can squeeze a little bit of meaning out of our greatest gift. Me, I've bought all sorts of things off the internet--books, music, clothing, ridiculous and unnecessary nostalgia pieces, et cetera. But one thing I have never bought is a little piece of the internet itself. Until today.

That's right, this is an announcement to update your bookmarks, because the Cosmic Mixtape can now be found at WWW.THECOSMICMIXTAPE.COM!

Try and hold in your excitement.

Actually, you don't even need to update your bookmarks, because it'll just kick you back to this page anyway, for right now at least. Sigh. I thought this would be cooler. Still, something's gotta get you through the day, and hope is just passe. Well, until next time.

Back Like Lazarus

2006-07-06T23:12:00.000-07:00

After a long hiatus, possibly the longest I've gone without blogging in the past five years (I'll have my assistant check my extensive records) I am back with a vengeance, with a vendetta, with a bone to pick. That's right folks--you didn't come here for weepy graduation narratives, east coast travelogues, or Lifetime (tm) memories--look for those on Livejournal or Xanga or whatever emo-blog you're running nowadays. No, you're here for the... um... well, I'm not entirely sure why you're here, but I'm sure as hell going to give you a reason to stay. Because there are things that piss me off. And I'm going to tell you about them.

A drumroll would be nice.

Things that Piss Andrew Off, vol. 1
a celebration of stupidity

5) Sequels of famous novels written by modern-day hacks

Yes, I know you love Pride & Prejudice. Everyone does, it's a good book. Believe it or not, you do not have a special connection with Elizabeth Bennett--everyone identifies with her because she's a good character. So sure, feel those lovey dovey feelings in your heart, but keep them there, and for the love of all that is holy do not ever think that you have any sort of galactic permission to write your own glorified fan fiction about what happens after the book is fucking over. Every line you write is like stabbing Jane Austen in the grave. If you love her so much, try not to defile her legacy.

4) TiVoing a movie that you own and that is in the DVD case three feet away from the television

I'm sorry, but I have to take a cheap shot at my Mom. I think this one is pretty self-explanatory. You own The Wizard of Oz. It's right there. We buy you all these movies for presents and than you use our valuable TiVo space that could be filled with MacGuyver reruns. So seriously, break out the DVD case, pull out The Adventures of Robin Hood, and please don't tape over my Iron Chef episodes.

3) People who misuse "fewer" and "less," even after I have been so considerate as to correct them

You know which hand to salute the flag with. You know how to tie your shoes. So why is it when wielding the English language you instantly become the mental equivalent of a retarded chimpanzee, flinging the shit of your bad diction all over the stainless steel walls of proper speech? You use "fewer" when dealing with discreet units. You use "less" when dealing with things that cannot be divided into discreet units. You have fewer brain cells. You have less intelligence. Got it?

2) My dog, and the fact that my family even has a dog to begin with

It's a good thing you're cute, Henry. That's nature's defense mechanism. Just because I have some sort of biological mandate to love you doesn't mean I don't want to kill you all the time. No, please, chew on my shoes. I love it. And I must say, I really appreciate it when you bite my face. It's really endearing. It's also great that you fling yourself against the glass door when I'm trying to kill my mind with television. As if that makes me want to play with you more. Just one warning--if you ever get into my room I will renounce my vegetarianism like that.

1) Marriage

Really, what's to say? It destroys everything that's good in the world. Also, it eats up post-collegiate Saturdays like Pac Man. A Pac Man with a cash bar. Sigh.

Quotation of the Day (Well, Yesterday)

2006-05-22T02:17:00.000-07:00

My sister, to me, while watching Pride & Prejudice.

"Don't worry, somewhere out there there's a Mr. Darcy for you."

Thanks, Megan. Thanks a lot. So, finals this week (preceded by a final bout of studying) and then graduation on Saturday. And then... everything else, I suppose.

A real update soon? Perhaps.

Paper Cut

2006-05-13T21:04:00.000-07:00

Ugh. 7 pages down, 18 pages to go. This is bad. I should have at least 5 more pages done to be as unmotivated as I am right now. On the plus side, this is about that time of the semester when I start updating my blog wildly in an effort to not do anything worthwhile. Anybody want to write a Shakespeare paper? 'Cause I don't.

Her Majesty (The End?)

2006-05-05T00:06:00.000-07:00

Sigh. This is the final end-of-semester scramble of my undergraduate career. It's enough to make one nostalgic--that is, if one gets nostalgic over incredible psychic stress and severe academic underachieving. I have a major test tomorrow on a subject I know little about. I'm hosting Biola's film festival tomorrow evening and I don't know my lines. I have a paper due next week justifying a film I have not yet made. I lose health insurance in a matter of days.

When people refer to college as the best years of your life I get wildly suspicious.

It should be noted that instead of actually studying for my major exam tomorrow, I'm reading The Adventures of Dr. McNinja. I might be the worst student of all time.

Compare and Contrast, Children!

2006-05-01T16:30:00.000-07:00

Chocolate Gelato = good. Dry root = bad. If you must have one to have the other, what do you choose? Be careful, now.

Wild Confessions, vol. 1

2006-04-28T01:37:00.000-07:00

Despite all the time, effort, and money I spend trying to be "indie" with my music, I will still almost always listen to the Gin Blossoms over Animal Collective any day of the week--and I like Animal Collective! Sometimes jangly guitar pop just wins, especially when I'm hopped up on pain killers and not thinking particularly clearly, like, I don't know, right now. I'm going to sleep and try not to remember the four phantom teeth that still reside in the back of my head. They want vengeance.

Black in Back

2006-04-24T19:37:00.000-07:00

Having rocked the east coast sufficiently, I'm back in Southern California, trying desperately to care about classes enough to want to pass them. This week should be interesting--I'm getting my teeth knocked out on Thursday and I still need to magically find a way to make a Shakespeare film and write a few papers very soon. Blah. Or is it bleh? Bleah.

I'm feeling even less clever than usual today, so I haven't much to offer in terms of witticisms or hilarities. Only know this--wherever you are right now (unless that place is prison, Sudan, or on the set of "Yes, Dear") you are having more fun than me. I am currently playing the "trying to stay awake in Acts class game" and losing pathetically.

Courage, Andrew, the hurt cannot be much...

Stoppard Sez, vol. 2

2006-04-15T22:54:00.000-07:00

"If Beethoven had been killed in a plane crash at the age of 22, it would have changed the history of music... and of aviation."

'Nuff said. I think this is the first time in the history of my blog I've actually posted a second volume of something I previously started. That's, uh, something.

In the spirit of Spring spontaneity I've purchased a ticket to Boston for next week to visit my stalwart CMC comrades and the ever-illustrious Liz Panarelli, high school superfriend. I think a little east coast time will do my soul some good. If anybody happens to be in New England in the next ten days give me a holla. Or a holler. Or a phone call or e-mail or something. For reals.

The Road to Self-Knowledge...

2006-04-13T15:50:00.000-07:00

...is paved with pain. Mouth pain.

Note to self, April 13:

No matter how delicious my veggie sloppy joes are, DO NOT lick the remainder from a Cutco knife. It will not end well.

In Which the Players Lose the Scene

2006-04-12T01:43:00.000-07:00

Egads! It's been more than a week since I graced this internet space with new words of wisdom and mirth. I, for one, blame this. Aside from my unhealthy obsession with dysfunctional teenagers (mothers, lock up your daughters) my life has been moving in slow motion the past few weeks--if variety is the spice of life, then right now I am a smorgasbord of white bread and potatoes. My particular plot could use a double-cross or a femme fatale or even (actually, especially) a little deus ex machina. As it is, all things in my life have been working themselves out in a painfully predictable manner.

The older I get, the more I start to believe that there are a mere handful of unique people in this world and that I am not one of them. Also, as I get older, this fact seems to bother me less and less. The world generally isn't ready for unique people--we tend to demonize them, crucify them, burn them at the stake, institutionalize them, or at the very least avoid them in the lunch line. I can't imagine they could be very happy in our world. Which is why when more and more evidence is presented to me that I am but one of a great many pressed from a very old mold I can just shrug, taking comfort in knowing that if I'm not significantly different from anyone else, at least I can pretty much guarantee that some fucker is going through the exact same shit as me at any given moment in time. This is the same comfort lemmings must feel when they're flinging themselves off cliffs. I may be plummetting toward the ocean at terminal velocity, but dammit, so is Frank. This is also the same reason death doesn't frighten me as much as it used to--any one event that occurs to everyone who has ever lived is bound to be positively uninteresting. Death is nothing more than the cosmic DMV.

So yes, that's me hurtling from Dawson's Creek to death metaphors in an alarmingly short amount of prose. But hey, what's new? We write about stuff we think about, and we think about stuff we don't understand, which means I think about death, love, and trigonometry. Okay, scratch that, I have to come up with a new theory that accounts for my total indifference to mathematical reality.

Surprising? Not really, but then again not much is, anyway.

Stoppard Sez, vol. 1

2006-04-03T15:38:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wonder why I bother writing anything, especially since realizing whatever I have to say, Tom Stoppard has said it better. With that in mind (and a nod to the Lifebox for sending me the link), let's see what Tom Stoppard has for us today:

"I think age is a very high price to pay for maturity."

Too true, Tom, too true. In other news, thanks to those who came out to my show on Saturday--good times were had by me (since I'm not a mind-reader, I can't guarantee that good times were had by all, but I think some people were pleased). Rock and roll.

Sadness of Domesticated Birds

2006-03-29T15:20:00.000-08:00

She spent an afternoon staring at their front door.

Waiting for someone? Yankel asked.

What color is this?

He stood very close to the door, letting the end of his nose touch the peephole. He licked the wood and joked, It certainly tastes like red.

Yes, it is red, isn't it?

Seems so.

She buried her head in her hands. But couldn't it be just a bit more red?

Brod's life was a slow realization that the world was not for her, and that for whatever reason, she would never be happy and honest at the same time.

-Jonathan Safran Foer, from Everything is Illuminated

The Truth (In Chart Form)

2006-03-28T21:16:00.000-08:00

Ah, so funny it hurts. Or is it the other way around? I can't remember anymore. One of these days I'm going to make a post with words. Although if pictures are a thousand, I'm still doing alright. Aside: Listen to the new Neko Case album--it'll do you good.

Let the Good Times Rock

2006-03-26T09:29:00.000-08:00

Rock, Roll, and Various Sundry Ingredients

2006-03-20T19:35:00.000-08:00

Well, yesterday's Belle & Sebastian / New Pornographers show was even more amazing than anticipated. The New Pornographers rocked hard for a bunch of old dudes (and the Neko Case replacement, who did a phenomenal job at filling that unenviable position). Their stage presence was sort of static, but since they were note-perfect and played a heroic set of songs from all three records in their discography it was easily forgivable. There were also some good jokes about Canada and health care.

Belle & Sebastian owned the night. The Wiltern was absolutely packed with rabid fans, ready to do the bands bidding. It must have been like being Jesus. Anyway, I've always thought B & S superfans were sort of lame, but after the band's set last night, I myself am considering converting to their church. Hell, maybe I'll even get ordained. They were charming, dynamic, and musically impeccable. Top-notch all the way. I have some back catalog to work through.

I have to skedaddle back to class, now, I'm pushing the mid-class break a bit. I have to steel myself for a sleepless night--many days of not doing my Shakespeare work have caught up with me. At least this week is Missions Conference Week at Biola (also known as vacation time for the unrepentant).

The Joys of a New Cell Phone, pt. 1

2006-03-18T00:21:00.000-08:00

Every single time somebody calls me the intro to "The W.A.N.D.", the new single by the Flaming Lips, rocks hard on the speakers. Cost? $1.99. Improvement to my quality of life? Immeasurable.

More to come: taking embarrassing cell phone pictures, playing games in the middle of class, and, yeah, I guess I can call people, too.

Doctor's Note #4123: March 14, 2006

2006-03-14T21:51:00.000-08:00

After careful examination, I can only verify Mr. McAlpine's wild claims. He is, in fact, a streetwalkin' cheetah with a heart full of napalm. You'd think this was enough, but no--blood analysis has proved that he is also the runway son of the nuclear A-bomb. I initially laughed when Mr. McAlpine approached me with this information, but after scientific consideration I must officially state that these are indeed facts. I intend to run a tertiary batch of tests--look out, honey, 'cause we're using technology--and then I will publish.

A Public Service Announcement

2006-03-13T15:03:00.000-08:00

from your friends at the Cosmic Mixtape

Parents, I realize you have it tough. I get it, I really do. If I had to be personally responsible for a little person whose whole existence was tailor-made for my inconvenience, I would slack off a little, too. But seriously, movies are rated "R" for a reason. Just because you have a hankering to see a vampire bloodbath doesn't mean you should bring little Sally and Jimmy to the theater. It's sort of hard to enjoy a scene where a vampire tosses another vampire into the spinning rotors of a wrecked helicopter* when there are two children sitting directly behind you, soaking it up like a sponge. Do you know the psychological damage you're doing to your children? Do you even care? No, you just have to see the leather-clad vixens spewing enough ammunition to level the capital of a small Eastern bloc country. You may think you're saving money by going to the dollar theater, but psychiatrist bills can be high. Hire a babysitter. Also, tell your kid to stop pulling my hair.

*Okay, I admit it. I saw Underworld 2 at the dollar theater. But I swear, it was for purely ironic enjoyment. Really.

Things that are Bad, Vol. 1

2006-03-12T23:51:00.000-08:00

Ever the fatalist, I present to you a few things that are, in fact, bad.

* Once again, a week has gone by without updating. It's not so much that I care about keeping my (perceived) internet audience informed as to the goings-on of my life (boring!) as that I just generally feel better about my existence when I write every day. 'Cause hey, even if I didn't save the world, I updated my blog, right? That's work, right? I probably shouldn't do it on the Sabbath, so it counts.

* My cell phone no longer displays a pretty picture of fish or my self-chosen handle "Bootyrocker". Instead, it just displays a blue screen. It's a nice blue, but that's irrelevant. Something tells me that if my cell phone is broken it'll be months, nay, millenia before I replace it. Not that most would notice, but for goodness' sake, I'm trying to turn over a new leaf.

* I've read 150+ pages of Shakespeare criticism today for a project due Tuesday. Am I close to being done? No. No I am not. I'm updating my blog, instead. On the Sabbath (well, my Sabbath).

* I've started quoting Hamlet inadvertently in normal conversation. All I have to do now is start wearing a black beret and chainsmoking and you might as well put a sign above my head that reads "King of the Douchebags". We are errant knaves, all--believe none of us.

So sure, there are some that might say that these really aren't a big deal. And sure, there are a lot of good things that I could present. But, dammit, I have work to do, which puts me in a bad mood. Although really, I'm not in that bad of a mood. I'm just in sort of an italics kind of mood. That's enough for now.

Show Anxiety

2006-03-04T01:41:00.000-08:00

I'm sick of living in the Los Angeles area. I'm trying to find tickets for the Belle & Sebastian / New Pornographers tour, but of course it sold out as soon as Pitchfork announced it (why-oh-why did I wait?). Now I have to pay out my ass on eBay, because missing the show is not an option. Sigh. The sacrifices I make for Carl Newman. If he only knew...

(Note: How ridiculously lame is this post? Dear blog: I'm super-bummed that I can't find tickets for the Belle & Sebastian show. I need to kick my own ass.)

Another Week

2006-03-02T23:29:00.000-08:00

It's been a week since I last posted. What really happens in a week? If you're me, not much. Had a few interesting experiences, more than a few not so interesting experiences. I guess I'm another seven days closer to death (if you can't tell, I'm sort of a glass-half-empty kinda guy). Went to Molca Salsa a few too many times, went to the library not enough. Bought a few new records. Killed a man in Vegas with an Exacto knife. Not really. I just blinded him, the poor bastard. Tell anybody, and I'll blind you, too. Except I left the Exacto knife in the guy's eye, so I'll have to find something else. Maybe, uh, I don't know... a fire poker. Yeah, a fire poker. Watch yourself.

*splurgth*

Yeah, that's the sound of a fire poker going in your eye. You think I'm joking. Okay, I am joking. Mostly.

Cell Phones Suck

2006-02-23T00:43:00.000-08:00

Do you ever have one of those weeks where nobody calls you back? For the first time in history, I am. And it sucks. Kids, this is Exhibit A of what we will call Karma. If anyone deserves to have this week, it's me. I've spent the majority of my adult life returning calls two-and-a-half months after the fact if I reply at all. Apparently it's no fun. Oops. Apologies to all.

I have this theory that human beings were never meant to live more than, like, ten miles apart. For most of human history the community you were born into was the community you stayed in. While I certainly wouldn't want to return to this particular paradigm, I wonder about the psychological effects of long-distance relationships (of all sorts). What if we just can't have successful relationships (or have a much worse probability of having them) when there are multiple thousand of miles interposing themselves? What if "outta sight, outta mind" is just biologically true?

I don't really believe this, I think. I have lots of relationships that have survived distance and separation. But damn it if it isn't harder. That I do believe.

Well, that was a downer of a post. But think about this--I could have garden spades instead of hands. I wouldn't even be able to hold a cell phone. To all those with garden accessories instead of appendages, this post is for you.

Rhetoric Schmetoric

2006-02-19T11:50:00.000-08:00

This seems to be a week for audience-less questions. Here's a few more.

1) Do you ever feel like you check your e-mail more than any else that has ever lived? Because I sure do. I don't think I'm a compulsive person by nature, but sheesh, my internet fetish is a bit unhealthy. Even on days when I'm ridiculously busy I'll still check my e-mail like three times. I need to go back to last semester and accidentally sever our DSL line. Maybe I'll finish some songs.

2) Do you ever feel like you're the least-happy driver on the road? Because I sure did last night. You know you're having a bad driving experience when you make a wrong turn, it starts raining, and your gas light turns on, all simultaneously. And you're in the middle of Hollywood. And you don't want to get shot. Sheesh.

3) Do you ever feel like turning on a shitload of guitar-pop music and dancing around your room like an idiot for an hour? Because I totally did that this morning. Sheesh. I never claimed to be cool.

Doomsday Neareth

2006-02-18T23:56:00.000-08:00

I lost my eBay virginity yesterday. It's so easy. And it's so fun. And, sweet lord, what have I done to myself? Why do I find myself looking up 80's video game memorabilia and Transformers action figures? Why are my affections drawn toward vintage synthesizers I can't even play? And worst of all: damn you, music, for I have another way to buy you. Weep.

Down Time is All the Time

2006-02-18T10:06:00.000-08:00

Have you ever decided that you absolutely must clean your room, but as soon as you start putting stuff away have an existential crisis instead?

Why am I trying to clean? It's just going to get messy again anyway. In fact, why do anything at all?

Maybe not everyone's thought process follows the same warped rails my particular train rides, or maybe it's telling that the only time I question my existence is when I have stuff to do. It's like a defense mechanism for un-achievement. I think the only thing immune to this is blogging, which I can apparently do day and night, rain or shine (last semester notwithstanding). It's too bad I can't replace "blogging" with "banking" or "going to grad school" or something. Someone should pay me to do this. Now I just have to find a millionaire who's having an existential crisis him/herself and I'm set.

Banned Olympic Sports

2006-02-16T10:36:00.000-08:00

Mr. McAlpine,

After careful consideration, the Olympic Committee has reviewed your applications for the inclusion of new events, and have decided that the following sports are too dangerous, impractical, or socially frowned upon to be included in our winter games at this time. We have denied Olympic status to the following sports:

* Boxing on ice
* Same-sex figure skating
* All proposed outdoor swimming events
* Naked luge
* Naked moguls
* Really, all sports preceded by "naked"
* Full-contact curling
* Ski 'n shoot (at the other skiers)
* Competitive snow-angel-making (though we thank you for volunteering for team captain)

We hope these rejections don't deter your enjoyment of the Olympic games. We enclosed a randomly selected "Heroes of Ice Dancing" Trading Card.

The Olympic Committee

Top Five Tuesday Returns!

2006-02-14T23:15:00.000-08:00

Ah, the time-honored Valentine's Day post. Across the world the internet is buckling under the weight of heavy hearts and unfulfilled romantic fantasies. Blogs are among the heaviest casualties of this day's melancholy--many a tear-stained digital diary entry has been posted under the twenty-four hour reign of Saint Valentine. If history were to repeat itself, you might even expect me to post something of this ilk. Not so, dear reader(s)! I've already alleviated my romantic angst through a combination of live jazz, male bonding time, and good old-fashioned American consumerism. So what is this post about? It's about a gift to you, the lovers (the Cosmic Mixtape is nothing if not generous). Ever wanted to get a gift for that special someone, but were too lazy or uninspired to deliver? Here's your solution--a five-strong list of some of the sweetest love songs ever put to tape. Simply take this list, add a couple of the shitty songs you two listen to together, and voila! Cheap gift. Enjoy.

The Cosmic Mixtape Presents...
The Top Five Irony-Free Love Songs to Put on a Heart-Shaped Mix CD

5) Iron & Wine "Naked as We Came"

This is the I-want-to-grow-old-with-you-and-die-in-your-arms love song of the century. It manages to be thoughtful and melancholy while still being an incredible declaration of love sans maudlin sentimentality. The only rumination on mortality I know of that makes you want to hug somebody instead of sit in a corner and wait for the end. Except for "Do You Realize?" by the Flaming Lips. Fine, it's one of two ruminations on mortality that make me want to hug somebody. Cut me some slack.

4) Peter Case "I Hear Your Voice"

I can't think of a more romantic thought than the one line that comprises the chorus of this song: "I hear your voice everywhere I go." It's simply stated but incredibly powerful, especially when presented with Case's powerful voice and guitar-playing. The rest of the words are good, too. This song is almost as much of a love song to the city as it is the subject. Just listen to it.

3) Wilco "Reservations"

I think this may be the most honest love song ever written. The song makes only one modest claim about the speaker's love: "I've got reservations, 'bout so many things, but not about you." Somehow it manages to turn that sentiment into a transcendent truth. It's a beautiful endpieceto an already incredible album. The song makes connection and love--something shown to be so difficult in the preceding songs--seem possible.

2) The Beatles "Here, There, and Everywhere"

I think this may be the best pop song ever written. The verses and chorus lilt and swoon with McCartney's gorgeous melody. On musical merit alone this song deserves inclusion in your mix CD. The lyrics just make it sweeter--they are lovely and simple and pure. Man, I dig this song. It's sort of unfair that this song is about love--how can love live up to this? Instead, someone should fall in love about this song. I don't know exactly what that means, but damn it if it wouldn't be easier.

1) The Beach Boys "God Only Knows"

Okay, no surprise here. You didn't need the Cosmic Mixtape to tell you to put this song on your CD. If you have half a brain or a quarter of a heart it's already on there. Twice. The simplest lyric on this list: "God only knows what I'd be without you." But how cool is that statement? And how gorgeous is the arrangement? And how perfect is this song? Pretty friggin' perfect.

So there you go. Pop on the CD and enjoy your VD.

That's Valentine's Day, you perverts! Get your mind out of the gutter.

Rest in Peace (Or Come Back Violently)

2006-02-11T10:58:00.000-08:00

2003 - 2005

Cosmic Census

2006-02-06T14:01:00.000-08:00

It's been interesting for me to imagine who exactly reads this blog on any given day. Old Livejournal buddies? Bloggers? Friends? Faculty? Inmates? Then I thought, wait, why don't I just ask and find out?

So, in the spirit of curiosity, who (if anybody) does read this? I would love if you would leave a comment or something. If I don't know you, how did you find this? Also, if you have a blog of your own that you want linked that I haven't already linked, let me know.

I don't think this will alter the way I write--after all, who doesn't love self-deprecation mixed with a smattering of interesting profanities? But I am the sort of person who's interested in his audience (or at least the sort of person who's a whore for comments). So please, share, but if you wish to remain mysterious there's little I can do to stop you. However, be warned: I am close personal friends with Batman, and there's little I can do to stop him from stopping you.

The Missing Piece

2006-02-05T22:11:00.000-08:00

I was browsing through some of my old livejournal entries and I came across this joke-thing that a friend of mine left as a comment. I usually have a rule against posting more than once a day on the blog, but I figure this warrants an exception. I'm not a hundred percent sure, but I think there may be some sort of profound meaning or moral under the cheap laugh.

A man is walking out of a bar when he sees a nun coming down the street. She is wearing a black habit and cape. The man proceeds to punch her in the mouth and knock her to the ground. He wails on her for another five minutes before stopping, spitting at her, and says "Ha! You're not so tough, Batman!"

I have the feeling that if I truly understand this, then the rest of life will be that much easier.

The Blue Raspberry is the Best

2006-02-05T21:27:00.000-08:00

Oh, man. Have you ever had one of those weeks? You know, the kind of week where you feel like your soul has been stuck in a Watermelon jello mold? I feel like I can see the outside (sort of, though it's pinkish) but I can't move--only jiggle. I tried to eat my way out, but you know how jello is--a few bites and you're pretty much sick of it. I hope God is the kind of guy who has a long spoon and an insatiable appetite for unstable desserts. I hope my fellow man doesn't abandon me for a classier tiramasu. I hope there's no sliced fruit stuck alongside my soul, because that's just gross.

Confused? That's okay. I'm starting a club. You can join. Bring your own bad food analogy and you're in for life.

In other news, God bless the Super Bowl. It's the one socially acceptable event we have where decent people are allowed to be macho assholes. And the macho assholes--well, they just get to be bigger assholes. But don't get me wrong, I like football. It's not very often I can be a convincing macho asshole. And the Stones were awesome, even though there's very little that's less rock and roll then playing the Super Bowl halftime show.

The Truth According to Rushdie, pt. 1

2006-02-03T23:17:00.000-08:00

"When it comes to love there's no telling what people will convince themselves of. In spite of all the evidence that life is discontinuous, a valley of rifts, and that random chance plays a great part in our fates, we go on believing in the continuity of things, in causation and meaning. But we live on a broken mirror, and fresh cracks appear in its surface everyday."

--from The Ground Beneath Her Feet

A Journey Inside My Mind

2006-02-02T15:14:00.000-08:00

I sometimes wish I could duplicate myself, and then shoot the duplicate with a shrink-ray. Once the duplicate was super-tiny I would let him crawl into my ear and spelunk into the treacherous caverns of my mind. He would undoubtedly meet some strange creatures, like Lord Puppetasaurus, a strange hybrid of Kermit the Frog, Littlefoot from The Land Before Time, and the Devil from Dr. Faustus.

Under the tyrannous reign of Lord Puppetasaurus, the denizens of Subconscia have been slaving away. The evil Analyzabots, servants of the dread lord, spew forth mounds of raw data, which the poor Subconscites must turn over all day, straining the mounds for nuggets of Reason and being whipped when they find none. To keep from being whipped to death, the Subconscites take just plain rocks from the mounds of data and pile them together in hopes that their meager offerings might placate the Analyzabots.

From these worthless piles the Conclusors, insidious servants of Lord Puppetasaurus, create an unsturdy, vile monument to their despot. They have named this foul creation The Tower of Ridiculous Conclusions, which is being built next to their last effort, The Castle of Unreasonable Assumptions. These dark altars allow Lord Puppetasaurus to use his evil magic to continue enslaving Subconscia and, unless halted, this magic could spill over into the neighboring kingdom, Wakingmindia.

To prevent this from happening, the heroic duplicate would have to journey through the Forest of Insecurities, fight his way through the Mines of Neurosis, and finally, at the heart of Subconscia, he would have to through a wrench into the Gears of Overactive Thought. This would bring the Analyzabots to a halt and break Lord Puppetasaurus' hold on the fine Subconscites. They would rise up and the river of Healthy Analysis would flow again, ensuring the safety of Subconscia and Wakingmindia forever. Yeah, that would be cool, but I can't find my shrink-ray anywhere.

Man, allegories are dumb. It sure would be nice to have a break, though. Ugh.

The Truth According to Kerouac, pt. 1

2006-01-31T19:51:00.000-08:00

"This is the night, what it does to you. I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion."

--Sal Paradise, from On the Road

My SoCalled Life

2006-01-30T00:34:00.000-08:00

Back with a vengeance in Southern California. And by "with a vengeance" I mean "sort of reticently". The weekend was very good time with very good people, which makes it even harder to want to go to classes and write papers and whatnot tomorrow. I'm also very, very tired. This weekend was draining in lots of ways. Anyway, here's to one last semester at Biola--may it end with a bang and not a whimper. More later? Maybe. But more likely, I'll just write drivel I think is clever about something no one cares about (Twin Peaks, anyone?). Uh oh, my sleep deprivation is making me honest. I better skedaddle before I write something I can't retract--like the word "skedaddle" again.

On the Road (In the Air)

2006-01-26T00:15:00.000-08:00

Nothing brings down the buzz of a trip quicker than e-mails from your professors containing syllabi with reading due the first class. Monday should be a blast, for sure. Anyway, tomorrow morning I'll be hopping over the continent to lovely St. Louis, where I will join my friend Aria for a road trip to Wheaton College, home of the Thunder(tm) and Stifling Conservatism(tm). There we will meet up with the lovelies of the CMC(tm) and rock the weekend like a Hurricane(tm).* Anyway, I have high hopes of the weekend being enjoyable, edifying, and hopefully drama-free. I miss these people like whoa**, especially after spending four months living in a fishbowl with them. More news when I get back, for sure.

* Yes, I realize full well this joke isn't funny anymore.
** For those who do not understand this highly technical term, it roughly translates to "a lot".

Twitchin'

2006-01-24T18:06:00.000-08:00

My eye has been twitching like mad these past few days. I don't know if it's related to caffeine, allergens, or severe neurological dysfunction. Maybe I'm evolving, and my eye is the first thing to change. Give me a week and maybe I'll have X-ray vision. You better watch out then. I'll punctuate your equilibria. I won't even think twice.

If the world is all a body, or at least some type of cohesive biological entity, then right now I think I'm the twitching eye. Have you ever felt so out of tune with your surroundings you think you're going to be rejected, like a perfectly good heart that refuses to beat in somebody else's body? Maybe something like that. Maybe the lesson here is that I need to stay away from caffeine. Maybe that's the moral I should create for this story.

Change of scenery soon--come Thursday, I'll be spending a few days in the Windy City. Why, you might ask? Because I can't get enough of that deep-dish pizza. Life is short, and what's a few hundred bucks to pump calories in my arteries? Very little, is what it is.

The Guilt Monster Strikes

2006-01-23T22:24:00.000-08:00

Do you ever see those ads on TV where there are about a thousand kids sitting on a street with trash strewn everywhere and flies buzzing about? I know you do, and I know you turn the channel as quickly as you can to pretend you didn't see them. I sometimes think it would do my conscience good to broadcast a message to them. It would go something like this:

"Hello, suffering child X. I hear you can be fed and educated for about a buck a day, which is a pretty good deal, it would seem. I just wanted to let you know that you shouldn't get your hopes up--the spare change I have either goes to burritos or to Tower Records, where I spend unhealthy amounts of time and money (of course, the burritos are sort of unhealthy by nature, too). That's right, Tower Records. In my self-centered universe I can't even be morally bothered to shop at a smaller local CD store because that would be a longer drive. Instead, I'm probably funding a multi-million dollar corporation with a pharmaceuticals division that won't be cutting you a break. Hope you have a nice life, which you probably won't, because everyone who can afford to help you probably thinks like me. Try not to hate America too much."

There are times when I think I feel too guilty about things. There are other times (like today) where I don't think I feel guilty enough. So I feel guilty about that, which doesn't help anyone. Ah, the ennui of the privileged, liberal modern life. Here's a list of the records I've bought the last two weeks. I'm not sure if this list is a thing of pride, a thing of shame, or a thing of pure compulsion. The truth probably lies somewhere in the center.

My Morning Jacket Z
Now It's Overhead Fall Back Open
Dungen Ta Det Lugnt
David Bowie Hunky Dory
Oasis (What's the Story) Morning Glory?
Magnolia OST
Ryan Adams 29

God help us all.

Televised

2006-01-18T12:04:00.000-08:00

At the intersection of television and life is... more television, I guess. After overclocking my cranium discussing Kant for four hours, the TV (or electronic soul molester, as David Dark would call it) seems more appealing than my other options, which might be to read or write or play guitar or make any worthwhile interaction with the human spirit. Instead, I let the cancer-causing light waves wash over me and snuggle in the warmth of mass-produced sentimentalism. It's like being in an eternal state of birth in a beautiful, mind-numbing womb. And that's just Iron Chef America.

I tried to watch an episode of Dawson's Creek a few days ago and was disappointed when it didn't really do anything for me. Dawson's Creek has always been my anasthetic of choice when confronted with the tedium of daily life and lacking the desire to do anything about it. It's usually pretty enjoyable, but when there's actual drama in your life there's really no place for the constructed hijinks of oversexed teenagers. I've found that a show like Twin Peaks seems a little more realistic and relevant to my life than WB theatrics (hurrah for DVD, the champion of revisionist history). And I'm talking about fucking Twin Peaks, which is less a television show than a shared hallucination. I think life is probably a little more insanity, a little less resolution, a lot less attactive people.

After watching the pilot of Love Monkey, which is a soulless whore of a show that unapologetically hands you the stupidest excuse for human emotion and tells you to dance, I've decided I'm maybe going about things all wrong--television doesn't need to become more like life, my life needs to become a little more like television. I'm going to start from the basics. When I wake up in the morning, clips from the previous day will play and tell me what plot points I need to keep in mind for the coming day. After that, I narrate a brilliantly funny and personable monologue while lying in bed (I mostly do this anyway, but I figure it will be beneficial for everyone to have to hear it). Then, the theme song and character introductions--a montage of me and my brilliantly attractive friends will play while unoffensive adult contemporary music plays in the background. Once I have a montage and monologue, then I'll start worrying about stuff like falling in love with my best friend, the wackiness of my coworkers, and the general craziness of life.

Ugh. I just need to get out more.

Vonnegut on Vonnegut

2006-01-15T21:52:00.000-08:00

An excerpt from The Guardian

"But there's a reason we recognise Hamlet as a masterpiece: it's that Shakespeare told us the truth, and people so rarely tell us the truth. The truth is, we know so little about life, we don't really know what the good news is and what the bad news is.

And if I die - God forbid - I would like to go to heaven to ask somebody in charge up there, 'Hey, what was the good news and what was the bad news?' "

The article's full of good stuff like this. He is one of those guys who knows what's going on, I think.

The Worst Poetry Lines Never Written

2006-01-09T13:00:00.000-08:00

Volume One: An Experiment in Bad

In the equation of my love
I cannot equal x
plus or minus the square root of you.

On Peace, Aliens, and the Availability of Wilco Tickets

2006-01-06T13:15:00.000-08:00

I try not to believe in impossibilities--if there's anything I know for sure, it's that I'm always capable of being wrong. That's why I try and keep an open mind about things like world peace and extraterrestrial visits, which seem to me highly improbable occurences. However, these things are about as dependable as taxes when compared to the mathematical probability of getting Wilco tickets in Los Angeles. Actually, I would be willing to sacrifice both cosmic knowledge and peace (as well as morality, dignity, love, salvation, et cetera) for a chance at getting Wilco tickets. Well, time to look at eBay and get depressed.

The Questions that Matter

2006-01-03T23:55:00.000-08:00

Jon: Do you ever find yourself just watching the Food Network?

Yes, Jon. Yes I do.

New Year's Revolution

2006-01-01T15:08:00.000-08:00

In an effort to change the way we think and interact with the world, the Cosmic Mixtape has a bold new idea for New Year's resolutions--remove the self-improvement element. That's right! We need to eliminate all traces of becoming a better person from our goals for the new year, and let me tell you why. First, we all fail. Think about it--when's the last time you made a new year's resolution that hasn't made you feel like a total failure in mere months. If this kind of self-improvement were achievable, wouldn't we just be getting more awesome all the time, instead of just once a year? Second, we're all idiots. I think we all know people (and by people, I mean total douchebags) who make resolutions like "get more in shape" or "get a hot girlfriend" when really they should make a resolution to be less of a douchebag. If that's true--and it is--what's to stop any of us from making pointless new year's resolutions we shouldn't be making? Nothing. So we should stop trying.

So, why don't we just eliminate resolutions entirely? One reason: guilt. There are those out there who think we should "become better people" or some such nonsense. Try as we might to eliminate these voices, they'll eventually get to us and make us think maybe we shouldn't push over grandmas just for fun or play puppy soccer as an intramural sport. The only way to appease these self-esteem killers is to make good on some goal we set for the year. The only solution: pointless, easy-to-succeed goalsetting. In this spirit, the Cosmic Mixtape presents...

My New Year's Resolutions for 2006!

1) Start watching boxing. It's a sweet sport, and Hemingway posited that is one of the only true sports that mankind has. Are you going to argue with Hemingway? I didn't think so. I figure once I start watching boxing I'll be able to make manly comments about fighters and ask questions like "Are you going to watch the big fight tonight?" How cool is that?

2) Try not to get shot. You might think this is obvious, but I think we don't put enough emphasis on not getting shot in our educational system. Getting shot would be a downer, and I'm just not interested in being down. Plus, I think making this decision will help me make more good decisions, like not joining an inner-city gang or becoming an insurgent in South America. Ah, the path of wisdom.

3) Don't kick old people in the shins. Now, this isn't something I do much anyway, but I figure it can't hurt to be more intentional about it. This probably means I'm going to have to stay away from the Hometown Buffet.

4) Don't play guitar for Ashlee Simpson. No matter how much she wants me on tour with her, I'm just going to have to put my foot down. There are some things that matter more than money, Ashlee, and you're just going to have to learn that.

Well, I think that just about does it. There's not going to be any depressing slide into mediocrity and failure for me this year--I'm going to beat it to the punch, stick my flag in the ground, and show it that I'm here to stay. I hope you'll join me on this exciting non-journey.

Top 10 Albums of 2005

2005-12-29T18:25:00.000-08:00

Because making lists is so much more fun than getting things done. I present to you, in an extremely particular order, the Cosmic Mixtape's favorite albums that were released in the year of our Lord two thousand and five.

10) Black Rebel Motorcycle Club "Howl"

Man--this album has swagger, shake, and soul. This is what happens when you lend your loud rock and roll friends a bunch of gospel and country records and set 'em loose. This record just bleeds authenticity and passion and yet still manages to be way cooler than you and your friends. Go figure.

9) Okkervil River "Black Sheep Boy"

These guys just keep getting better. With maybe the best lyrics in pop music today, they crash through these songs with abandon. In addition to their carefully crafted storytelling, the band has gotten better at creating moods, hooks, and musical moments. Also, they're pretty tremendous live.

8) The Mountain Goats "The Sunset Tree"

This album was my introduction to the Mountain Goats, and man, do I wish I'd been listening to them for a while. This concept album (maybe concept album is the wrong title, it's more like a song-cycle or something) is an engaging, honest, and beautiful exploration of growing up. Just try not to sing along to "This Year" and mean every word. I dare you.

7) Clap Your Hands Say Yeah! "Clap Your Hands Say Yeah!"

This album makes me wanna shake my ass in the most awkward, unselfconscious way possible. It is the perfect combination of hip and unhip. The songs are characterized by yelps, simple guitar lines, simple keyboards, simple beats, and a permeating weirdness that gives the whole thing enough charm to fall in love with.

6) Ryan Adams & the Cardinals "Cold Roses"

This might have been the year of Ryan Adams--three LPs in one year, all worth listening to. I've liked all the albums, but "Cold Roses" is the only one I've really gotten me teeth into. While the album is maybe too long for it's own good, it's chock-full of all the stuff that made us love Ryan Adams in the first place--his voice, pathos, storytelling, emotion, et cetera.

5) Spoon "Gimme Fiction"

Spoon is the coolest band on the planet. They not only remind me that rock and roll still matters, they also make me think that rock and roll may be the only thing that matters at all. This album grooves and struts and flirts and just plain rocks. "I Turn My Camera On" might be the best single of the year.

4) Bright Eyes "I'm Wide Awake It's Morning"

This is a collection of wonderful, lived-in songs that brim with warmth and thought. This album stayed in my CD player for about four weeks solid. I can't think of anything else to say except that if you love Bright Eyes, this is their best, and if you hate Bright Eyes, this album might change your mind.

3) The New Pornographers "Twin Cinema"

This album is unique in that it's a bunch of pop songs that gets better as you listen to it, defying the thirty-second novelty that's become the bar for radio. Seriously, as appealing as this record is the first time you listen to it (and it's very appealing) it will keep drawing you back for more. It's a great blend of sugar and spice, complexity and accessibility, abstract and concrete. I will be humming these songs in my head for years.

2) Decemberists "Picaresque"

The Decemberists, for me, are the musical distillation of pure joy. Everything about their music--the soaring melodies, clever arrangements, and unique characters--makes me just giddy. This is easily their best album, and when listened to as a whole it's a sort of brilliant musical for the nerdy, postmodern set who hate musicals. Listen to it. Love it.

1) Sufjan Stevens "Illinois"

Once again, Sufjan has captured the number one slot on my year-end list ("Seven Swans" was my first round draft pick last year). Even knowing how much I loved that album, I was unprepared for "Illinois". It's tough to describe to those who haven't heard it (well, it's sort of folky, but there are all these instruments, and he sings about serial killers, and, well, nevermind). All I know is that this album is nothing short of transcendent. It makes being a human okay. It makes everything around you beautiful. This may come across as childish or silly or naive, but just try listening to the album and see if it doesn't do the same goddamn thing to you. In fact, I'm going to go listen to it now.

Well, that's it. Not a bad year, huh?

A Christmas Card

2005-12-25T22:59:00.000-08:00

May your Christmas be as lavish and full as the manly hair on my manly chest. May your heart be constantly massaged as if by the hand of a beautiful black woman. May your love be the mighty rose clenched between my teeth of passion.

Editor's Note: It only goes downhill from here, folks. As my free time increases and my imagination has fewer outlets more random shit will go up here and waste your time. Consider yourself warned.

Merry Christmas

2005-12-25T07:03:00.000-08:00

a special message from your friend at the Cosmic Mixtape

I think a sweet Christmas movie would be where a mad scientist goes back in time to Bethlehem to assassinate Mary before she gives birth to Jesus. The only person who can stop him--Santa Claus! Santa also goes back in time for the ultimate action shootout to save Christmas. Who will win? Only time can tell. Also, there are chicks.

this has been a special message from your friend at the Cosmic Mixtape

In all seriousness, may everyone's Christmas be filled with peace, joy, charity, and the possibility of love incarnate.

California, California...

2005-12-24T08:51:00.000-08:00

"...you're such a wonder that I think I'll stay in bed."

Time to get to the Christmas shopping. I am such an idiot. Well, I got to get the island off my mind somehow--it might as well be punching my way through lines of angry mothers at the Brea Mall. I think I'm a little culture-shocked.

The Great Gauntlet...

2005-12-19T19:28:00.000-08:00

...has been broken. All hail the victors, Jon Glyer and Matt Kitchen, who managed to prevail and not be broken by the all-seeing B-eye-ola. Congrats, guys, and good luck on that whole future-thing people seem to talk about.

Monologged

2005-12-06T17:26:00.000-08:00

or, The Most Irritating Post I Have Ever Written

(begin conversation)

Well, well, well, fancy seeing you here. I would have thought you would have cleared out by now, since I haven't had much to say the past few weeks/months/semester. No, don't leave--please, hang around, have a cup of coffee or something. What's been going on lately? Mmm hmm, that's great. Yawn. No, really. Shut up, I'm listening, okay? Oh, you want to know what I've been up to? Well, it's sort of hard to describe.

It all started a few months ago when I showed up to... oh, you want the short version. Right. No, I understand, you have places to go and people to see. Well fine, it all started a few months ago when I... oh, you want the really short version. You want to me to sum it up in a word?!?! Fine. Here goes: fbhjkbsfkjblap. Yes, I'm sure that's a real word. Come on, would I lie to you? Oh, you have a copy of the dictionary with you? Fine, it's not a word. But it's sort of how it is, nonetheless.

Could I be more vague? Well, I guess I could try. Oh, that was rhetorical, was it, Mister Smartypants? How about this--the past three and change months have been some of the strangest, most frustrating, most wonderful, most terrifying, most defining months I have ever experienced. To try and sum them up with my inadequate vocabulary would not only be futile, but would be insulting to the whole experience. Thus, I must create my own unpronounceable, multisyllabic word to act as a symbolic stand-in for an undescribable period of time. Oh c'mon, it's not total bullshit--don't you understand this at all? Yeah, I know you've been on a mission trip. Yeah, it's probably something like that.

(end conversation)

Well, having put myself in the unenviable position of not-having-written-yet-wanting-to-get-back-on-the-horse, I begin to chip away at processing/explaining the Martha's Vineyard semester I have almost finished. The above ridiculousness was my attempt to do so without being completely irritating--I fear I have failed. But, I have to start sometime. Given my penchant for nervous wordiness and my tendency to post only when my world is in semi-upheaval I figure you can guess my mental state right now. It will be interesting to come back to California and see how my world has been shaped by new experiences and people. Will I alienate myself from friends? Will I forget about this semester like an extended summer camp? Will I have changed or not at all? These are questions I'm not particularly looking forward to dealing with but that will find me in due time. Now, back to the present.

This post was a little more personal than I tend to get with this blog, but I figure anybody who reads it doesn't read it for the brilliant prose. I hope all is well with those away from me--I shall see you soon. If not literally, than in the cosmic sense, because the big picture is easier to deal with. Adieu for now.

Cali

2005-11-12T16:34:00.000-08:00

I just found out from my Dad about an hour ago that my family's dog, Cali, was hit and killed by a car yesterday when she got loose from her leash. She died quickly and without any pain. My family is taking it pretty hard, especially my dad and my sister, who were very close to her. She was a beautiful, sweet-tempered dog with a quiet disposition and a playful love for people.

My parents adopted her when my family moved out to California--I cannot imagine our home without Cali pawing at our legs or jumping on the furniture or looking pitiful when she wasn't allowed in the house (she was so cute it never lasted long). She has been a part of our home for as long as California has been our home. She was greatly loved and will be greatly missed.

Museek New Vo

2005-11-12T15:40:00.000-08:00

It's funny to me that when I'm bored and uninteresting I spend the most time updating this thing but when interesting things are actually happening in my life I barely ever update. Anyway, I have more music for the yearning masses--turn your ears toward the sultry sounds of my second master track:

Andrew McAlpine - Ghosts of the Suburbs

My friend Nard produced it and played drums and weird-ass glockundspiel solo, I played acoustic and bass and sang, Aria played Wurlitzer and sang, and Marc played electric guitarrzz. I'm pretty happy with it--easily the most happy I've ever been with a song I've written and recorded. Rock and roll, and please ignore the blatant Wilco-worship presented here.

For the Curious

2005-10-20T18:57:00.000-07:00

Here's a picture of me performing with the Coalition of the Willing, my backing band for last week. The players include Peter on bass, Steve on drums, Marc on electric guitar, and Aria (who would be a little to the left if this picture was wider) on keyboards and tambourine. They rocked way hard, and our three-song set was a lot of fun. Thanks to Steve for the picture from his webshots account.

Back from the Dead

2005-10-20T15:48:00.000-07:00

Whew! It's been almost two weeks since I last updated, if you count the Katie-Holmes-pining post as any sort of update at all. It's been an extremely busy few weeks--my parents and grandparents have come and gone, I've played another three-song set (including a Pixies cover, which was awesome), I've written a few songs, and I've recorded and mixed my first master. So here, for the public's consumption, is the first fruit of my labor:

(I've temporarily removed the song so I have enough space for the new one. Soon, I'll get a better system, but for now this will have to suffice.)

For being my first real recording experience and my limited amount of time, I'm pretty pleased with this first mix. I will definitely remix and possibly rerecord certain elements of it, but for now here it is. Enjoy the 60's vibe.

More of a post later, I'm sure, and maybe updating my listening and reading lists. Rock and roll.

Le Sigh

2005-10-08T21:13:00.000-07:00

Oh, sweet Katie... you could have had it so much better with me. Ah well, I guess the world could use a few more fucked up celebrity children.

Alive and Kicking

2005-10-01T11:16:00.000-07:00

The internet has continued to be unreliable, and the last week and a half have actually been pretty busy, which is odd for me--business is not usually part of my routine. It's been way fun, though, and we've had some impromptu fun activities. Last night we had a hippyish drum circle / storytelling thing which was way fun. (Editing note: I can't believe I used the word 'fun' three times in two sentences. I need to read more.) It was kind of like Lord of the Flies, but with (slightly) less innocent blood shed. This morning we went to the Free Store. That's right, the free store. It's like a thrift store, but everything is free because that's where rich vacationing islanders dump their stuff before they leave (it's affectionally called the Dumptique). I snagged a dozen books and a sweet scarf. For free. It felt like stealing.

Music stuff is going well--I performed two songs on Wednesday and the set went well. I'm playing bass for my buddy tonight for a group of investors. If they like us, hopefully we'll get money. My birthday is tomorrow, and my parents sent me a big dinosaur pinata in the mail. How awesome is that? Answer: very. The 'rents and grand'rents are coming out this upcoming Thursday, which should be radcore. More later.

Back in the Game

2005-09-20T16:39:00.000-07:00

After a short stint of outright war with Adelphia, the intermanets has returned to the Contemporary Music Center. The weekend was long and fun, and there was much songwriting and lounging that did occur (huzzah). Here's a visual for everyone:

That's right, that's me kneeling at the base of the giant sand penis we created on Sunday. My mother would be proud. This week has been pretty busy thus far--we're having a concert tomorrow and I'm playing bass for like four people. It doesn't help that I can't really play the bass all that well, but it's fun enough and I'm holding my own. I'm performing a few songs next week, which should be a freakin' blast. More pics later, when I de-lazify and plug my camera in. Wicky wicky wow.

Downpour!

2005-09-16T08:06:00.000-07:00

Ah, relief from the sweltering blanket of humidity that has enveloped us since we arrived! Of course, this relief came in the form of multiple rain storms, but we CMCers are a hearty bunch and celebrated with the rain gods in the form of a Danse Party (tm), followed by a nighttime dip in the pond. Of course, there's more to come--tropical storm Ophelia (tm) should be passing by over the weekend. Unsettling drowning allusions aside, I don't so much mind being rained in. I'm gonna have time to write some songs, read a book, and unsuccessfully flirt with the girls. East coast love, baby.

I, Robot Hater

2005-09-13T09:47:00.000-07:00

Fucking blogbots. I quietly accepted telemarketing, mail advertising, spam, and pop-ups, but this is one marketing frontier that the sleazeballs will not conquer. They are Custer, and I will go fucking Little Bighorn on their collective ass. I don't want to live in a world where the one last bastion of shameless self-promotion is polluted by the smog of the erectile enhancement industry. Soon, all women will have mandatory interuterine billboards implanted in their wombs so when we pop into this crazy world we're already programmed to want Pumas and free iPods ( please disregard the fact that I own and love both a pair of Pumas and an iPod). It's nice to know that in whatever century we happen to live in and whatever way marketers are ittitating the shit out of us, one thing will always stand the test of time: misplaced righteous indignation. I'm going to go needlessly complain to someone.

School of Fine Musicks

2005-09-12T13:32:00.000-07:00

Here's an equation for you:

Hogwart's - magic + random piercings - robes + pop music = the Contemporary Music Center

This place is wild. I have no pictures yet, because I have to buy a wireless card to use the intermanets, but this is unlike anything I've ever done before. The campus is much larger than I expected and includes a lodge, a cabin, a lake, a cafeteria, a retrofitted music-barn, and a gladiatorial combat arena (one of these statements is a lie). It's also populated by interesting persons. Example: the cook, Bubbles, is a large, probably dangerous man who may or may not be an escaped convict/mental patient. Either of these options are okay with me, because the man can make a damn fine grilled cheese. The main studio is worth about $678437562 and has about that many buttons. I have vowed to break nothing.

Travelogue

2005-09-11T09:03:00.000-07:00

After many hours of travel and a very long day, I'm here and settled at the Vineyard. That's right, just the Vineyard--we locals use that kind of verbal shorthand to distinguish ourselves from the pesky tourists. It is very beautiful, very temperate, and very free of major fast-food chains (which okay, because I am very free of transportation). Today is "Orientation Day", so I'm taking advantage of this short break to appease my internet addiction. This is going to be some kind of semester. I'll post more later, possibly describing in depth the outdoor showers and cabin-style lodging. It all makes me feel very manly, despite the fact I use Olive Sandalwood pomade to style my hair. I'm pretty sure real men don't "style" anything.

A Day of Revelation

2005-09-01T16:35:00.000-07:00

And the Good Lord did descend from on High, and in His infinite Wisdom he bequeathed to Me certain Revelations which I was to spread to His People on the glorious Internet. I responded with Trembling, "No lord, I am not worthy to be your servant." And He did Respond to Me with supreme Kindness and Mercy, saying, "No shit, sherlock. But someone's got to do it, and you have nothing planned for today." And so I am burdened with the Lord's Message and You would do well to listen to It.

* Olivia Tremor Control blows my mind! Check out my sidebar and listen to the freaking amazing album Music from the unrealized film script, Dusk at Cubist Castle. I found it at, of all places, Borders, for a measly fifteen bucks (at Amoeba it had cost thirty). It's the best Beatles album they never made.

* Starbucks has reintroduced the Pumpkin Spice Latte, a veritable feast of flavor and caffeine that will up your quality of life by about %1000. The downside of this is that you will stop receiving aid from UN relief organizations--but trust me, it's way worth it.

* Shit is really bad down in New Orleans. I echo my friend Emily's sentiment that it seems so wrong and unfair to be living life normally while thousands suffer and die. I'm not sure what you can do, though--if you're paralyzed by every tragedy that happens you wouldn't be able to live. I guess you just live your life, love the people around you, and try your best to love the people who aren't around you. It terrifies me that the only difference between me and the people in New Orleans is sheer geographical luck, but the alternative, that Divine Providence would allow this to happen, is even more terrifying. I know there are explanations that remove the burden of responsibility from God, but frankly, I think they're pretty poor cop-outs. But hell, what do I know? If someone knows a good way to help the victims of Katrina, post here.

* I leave in just eight days, which is pretty weird. I'm bummed to leave friends here, especially those I just met or got to know, but I couldn't be more excited about the CMC. I think I'm going to have a going-away thing on a weeknight next week, probably at Ye Olde Ship or some other place in Fullerton. Good times, I'm sure.

Countdown!

2005-08-30T21:32:00.000-07:00

So, September the Ninth quickly approaches and I am making haste to finish my preparations. I still have to finish more songs, though I'm making progress and finished one tonight. It's about California and is (cleverly) titled "California", though I am thinking about adding some sort of adjective or something to the title to make it stand out from the twenty-five billion songs already called "California". I still have to buy my goddamn chapel CD's, as I don't want to have my whole last semester not count. I still need to write a few letters and finish buying clothes and get my prescriptions renewed and and and

Stop. Respirate. Regulate. And I'm good.

I just realized that I know a lot of peolple who are going to be in other countries this semester--I have friends represented in Tibet, Belize, France, Tanzania, and Zambia. Massachusetts seems a little tame compared to these options, but I'm still excited.

I might have to buy the new White Stripes album, Get Behind Me Satan. I'm not really a fan, but the two singles from the album ("Blue Orchid" and "My Doorbell") are so incredible that I'm considering conversion. We'll see.

I might have a shindig before I leave so I can see everybody in the Biola area--it will probably be Wednesday or Thursday of next week. Details later.

Top Five Day

2005-08-28T23:47:00.000-07:00

Motherfuckers. Yeah, you know who I'm talking about. That's right, those little fuzzy animals that scamper around the forest and shit everywhere and eat all your stuff and smell bad. Sometimes, it's hard not to just punch one of those little guys right in the face. Well, I'm here to tell you that it's alright--punch away.

Oops. Didn't see that one coming, did you? Most of these animals look cute and cuddly, but millions of years of adaptation and general distrust of humans has gifted animals with killer combat skills. I, as a trained and successful animal fighter, will give you the tips you need to beat the shit out of Sparky, your neighbor's dalmation, or any other animal that might cross you, or look at you all shifty-like.

The Cosmic Mixtape presents...
The Top Five Tips for Fighting Animals

5) Use stealth to surprise your opponent.

This may seem obvious, but you would be surprised how many experienced animal fighters neglect to use such a simple strategy. Would you face a tiger head-on and try to punch it? I should hope not. Your face would get ripped off. That same tiger, however, becomes a much weaker opponent when it is sleeping, distracted, or giving birth. The same punch you would have thrown becomes 956% more effective and your chance of survival increases exponentially. You might try dressing like the animal you are fighting and infiltrating its natural habitat weeks before you intend to fight. Learn its strengths and weaknesses, and strike when the time is right.

4) Avoid water at all costs.

Human beings, wily and scrappy as they are on land, are severely handicapped when fighting an animal in an aquatic environment. Our natural advantages of height and leverage are eliminated, and most likely the animals' capabilities are still largely intact. Do everything you can to avoid water. If you must fight an animal that is located in the water, try luring it to dry land with food or insults. This can be difficult to do, especially with animals like whales and dolphins, but it is a known fact that marine mammals are especially sensitive to jokes about their mothers. Start hurling the verbal barrage and even the most even-headed whale will venture out on land to settle the score.

3) Viciously target the genitals.

While this particular strategem is off-limits in human v. human combat, no such taboo or restriction occurs in the natural realm. The fact is, most animals will not think twice about shredding your reproductive agents (if you are male), and you should offer a male animal the same level of consideration. The fact of the matter is, nature has cleverly hidden and protected the genitals of most animals, so you either have to be very lucky or very clever to land a debilitating blow to the nether regions. My suggestion? Combine this tip with the stealth technique, and cleverly disguise yourself as a female of the species of your opponent. After the requisite wooing, the animal will undoubtedly reveal its most vulnerable parts, and you should strike without mercy. This works especially well against giant pandas.

2) Punch the animal in the eye, hard.

It is difficult to dispense blanket advice for animal fighting, as your opponent can be equipped in countless different ways. Perhaps it has a tough external shell, or maybe it has many arms to contend with. The best way to fight is to have an intimate knowledge of your opponent's physiology and psychology. However, as an experienced animal fighter, I know there are situations that arise where this level of research is impossible. However, 98% of the species you could encounter on earth have one common weakness--ocular organs. When in doubt, punch your opponent in the eye with as much force as you can muster. One of three things will happen: you will either blind the animal, giving you a significant edge in your fight; stun the animal, leaving it open for another attack; or finally, in the case of some small rodents, you might kill it instantly in a horrific explosion of brain matter. You cannot go wrong with this technique.

1) Use your human ingenuity.

The final and best piece of advice I can dispense is this: animals have many natural advantages, such as claws and fangs and flight and tentacles, but they cannot match the power of the human mind. Some purists might say this is unfair--that true animal fighting is always mano-y-mano, and that using the environment or tools to our advantage is dishonorable. This is hogwash. There is no rule written in the dusty paths of nature that would forbid you from swinging a duck into an electric fence. No referee will call a foul if you uppercut a beaver with brass knuckles. And no one will take away your trophy if you run over a cheetah with a truck. Remember--the best weapon you possess is not your fists, or your knees, or even your cunning. It is the electric chainsaw in your garage, and no one can take that away from you.

Note: I do not condone the literal fighting of animals. No matter how funny it seems to beat up a chipmunk, it is not, and do not send me stories of your own animal-fighting exploits, because they will not be posted. Unless you have pictures, because that would be fucking hilarious.

Funburned

2005-08-22T00:28:00.000-07:00

My boy Dylan has been in town, which has been a blast and a half. Today we went down to Long Beach and played kickball with some of his friends from the now-defunct John Wilkes Kissing Booth. They're some cool cats. I definitely kicked some balls (humor!) and got a nice sunburn. Whatever--I've always looked good in red. After that we went and saw The Forty-Year-Old Virgin, which was surprisingly entertaining. Matt has pointed out that the forty-year-old virgin's name is Andy and he likes comic books. Matt can go kiss a dude.

I gotta get some stuff done this week--I'm leaving for the Vineyard the 9th, and I still have a lot to do (finish songs, buy jeans, write some long-belated letters, finish a few more books, track down Talia in a noncreepyish normal kind of way, etc.). I've been surprisingly adept at sometimes getting stuff done this summer--hopefully I'll be able to keep up this new responsible streak. I'm beat, man. I'm going to bed.

Administratosphere

2005-08-18T23:41:00.000-07:00

If Biola was a person, I would occasionally want to punch him/her. The Contemporary Music Center, though I assume it will be worth all of it, has put me through administrative hell these past six months. Here's the new chapter--apparently I owe Biola eight thousand dollars (I do not) for tuition that I have not yet paid (I have). It clearly states on my account page on BSI that I have paid, but maybe reading is harder for some than others. Maybe the numbers are difficult. I'm not one to judge, but maybe those who have difficulty with reading and numbers ought not to be put in charge of student financial accounts. However, because of Biola's wonderful administrative system, this is where they all end up. It's like making the Dalai Lama your army's general--there's no question the guy's talented, but this might not be his particular field of expertise. Anyway, I have to go bust some heads tomorrow. And by bust some heads I mean be polite and gracious. Wicky wicky wow.

My Day: A Chronology

2005-08-16T00:30:00.000-07:00

11:00 -- I wake up.
11:30 -- I watch a TiVo'd episode of Robot Chicken. It makes me laugh.
12:00 -- I eat a bagel. It is delicious.
12:30 - 3:30 -- I waste my life doing God-knows-what.
4:00 -- I shower and go out into the world.
5:00 -- I go to eat at the Taco Factory. I order a veggie burrito.
5:10 -- An incredibly cute girl starts talking to me.
5:15 -- Incredibly cute girl comes and sits with me.
5:20 -- Incredibly cute girl and I talk about books and school and stuff. Incredibly cute girl gets additional title: incredibly smart girl. Anecdotes are swapped.
5:32 -- Incredibly cute and smart girl has a name. She is named Talia, after the actress who played Adrian in Rocky. This is awesome.
5:47 -- Talia (who is incredibly smart and cute) is a vegan. She works at a health food store. We bitch and moan about eating out, even though I have it much easier than her.
5:58 -- Talia and I talk about Jeffrey Eugenides, eating alone, and the liberty bell. Talia is something.
6:15 -- Talia has to leave to meet her friend who she was waiting for in the first place. Nice to meet you, etc. Awkward. Should I have said something? I ponder. I look outside. She is sitting over at her friends' workplace.
6:19 -- After four minutes of agony, I decide to go ask Talia out on a date.
6:20 -- I walk over. I think she is pleased to see me. I sit down and we start talking again. She points out her friend, and he comes over. Go away so I can ask her out.
6:22 -- Her friend goes inside to lock up. Okay, I'll do it now. But the conversation is going well. I'll wait for a lull.
6:26 -- Her friend comes out. Shit. They are leaving. Shit. I waited too long. Shit. She says goodbye and walks away with her friend. Shit.
6:30 -- I walk over to my car, disappointed. The car won't start. Shit. I don't have my cell phone. Shit. I start walking.
9:00 -- I get home, having had plenty of time to think about what an idiot I am. My feet hurt. Shit.

So, it turns out my battery is dead. Ugh. Dinner was really nice, even though I couldn't muster up the courage to ask Talia out (which I couldn't tell if she even wanted or not). This will have to go down as one of those chance pleasant encounters that I'll probably play over in my head many times. Le sigh. Still, Robot Chicken is fucking hilarious. Tim and Fatz are back tomorrow and Dylan is coming this weekend--should be some good times. Rock and roll.

Ah, the Cinema

2005-08-13T11:46:00.000-07:00

I am freaking out about this fall's movie lineup--I've not been so excited by the studio system's output since I was eleven and the Lion King was opening (good movie, that Lion King). Here are a few feature films I'm excited about:

Everything is Illuminated
The novel this movie is based on rocked my world. The movie adaptation looks pretty good, and it has Frodo in it, which is fun. Man, that book was good.

Harry Potter & the Goblet of Fire
Having become a giant Harry Potter dork this summer, I am practically salivating about this one. Actually, I literally am salivating, but I'll blame that on poor manners and a lazy mouth. This film is going to be so freaking dark.

The Constant Gardener
Don't know much about this one, other than the trailer is very intriguing.

Proof
I read this play a few years back--it was very good. I didn't know they were making a movie adaptation, but the trailer is sweet. Awards? Maybe.

The Chronicles of Motherfucking Narnia
What needs to be said? This will rule the box office (and my heart) with an iron fist

Rent
God, I love this musical--I've seen it four times, and I still get goosebumps when listening to the soundtrack (how uncool is that?). I will probably see this in theaters 561283 times.

Walk the Line
Since the recently-deceased-music-star biopic is en vogue right now, this one is hitting at just the right time. I watched the trailer and the mood seems to be just right.

The Exorcism of Emily Rose
I'm curious about this one. It was written by a Biola professor and looks thoughtful and well-crafted. Plus Tom Wilkinson is the man.

Wallace and Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit
Have I mentioned that I'm a huge dork? I'm a sucker for animation/puppets. This will make me laugh.

Elizabethtown
Ooh, Cameron Crowe's new film. Looks like an engaging finding-yourself drama. Matt read the script and said it's pretty good, so I'll see it. Twice.

The New World
Terrence Malick rocks my socks. The Thin Red Line has become one of my favorite movies--I will be first in line to see this one.

Shopgirl
Ah, I loved this novella. This seems like a great adaptation that is perfectly cast.

Whew, that's a lot of popcorn. The torturous thing is, I don't even know if there's a movie theater on Martha's Vineyard--I may not be able to see any of these when they open. Oh well, I'm sure someone will be up for a few trips to the mainland. Hopefully. Please, God.

I still have a lot of movies left to see this summer: Hustle & Flow, The Beat My Heart Skipped, Saraband, Broken Flowers, Last Days, Murderball, Me and You and Everyone We Know, and the Brothers Grimm. And I am out of money. Le sigh.

(speaking of cinema, the New Pornographers' new album, Twin Cinema, comes out this month. could I be more excited? no, no I could not.)

A Letter

2005-08-10T21:45:00.000-07:00

Dear Firefox,

I hope you fall in a giant pit of spinning blades. You are supposed to be awesome! You are supposed to be not like Internet Explorer. I trusted you, and after I had typed out a fairly extensive post you betrayed my trust and crashed. You didn't even have the decency to tell me--I had to hear about it from Windows. Do I wish to file an error report? No, I do not. Pressing charges now won't accomplish anything or get my post back. Don't even bother writing back--I know what your response will be. Your parent's computer is fucked by viruses. Don't bring my family into this! You were trying to upload a stupid picture of the Highlander Season 1 Boxed Set. So? Isn't that my right as an overweight nerd without a girlfriend? Highlander sucked anyway. Yeah, I know, but it's too much fun not to watch. Besides, I swear I was just going to make fun of it. Anyway, I ramble. You have disappointed me. I'm not going to leave you, but you need to get some help and work out your issues.

Hugs and kisses,

Andy

Track Seven: Pointless Hip-Hop Sketch

2005-08-09T01:09:00.000-07:00

I seriously hate those things. Give me the sweet, sweet beats but do not, under any circumstance, do a stupid bit with your lame friend talking about fucking whatever for thirty seconds of my goddamn life. I hate those things.

That's kind of what this post is, though, so I apologize. I'm getting up early in the morning to go adventuring with the ever-lovable Ben Pack so I feel an abbreviated post is called for. We're either going to Temecula or San Juan Capistrano--wherever our courageous souls lead us to conquer.

Because of this excursion, Top Five Tuesday will be pushed back to Wednesday (surprise). This one's going to be good, though--at least for anybody who was part of Thomas Jefferson's Videotechnology Lab. I just found my old video of class favorites and feel compelled to share with the general public.

Good night, you princes of the Internet, you kings of the World Wide Web.

Insomnomaniopolis

2005-08-07T03:59:00.000-07:00

Ugh. I should know better than to take a nap at 4:30 in the afternoon.

ADDENDUM:

When I finally did get to sleep, I had a sweet dream that Neutral Milk Hotel played a concert in my backyard. The tickets were too expensive for me to buy, but the view from my bedroom was so perfect that people were paying me to watch from my room. In real life, the only thing I can see from my bedroom is the side of the neighbor's house, which is plain brown. Neutral Milk Hotel is way better.

Calling All Booknerds...

2005-08-03T22:50:00.000-07:00

Do you want to waste 36528* hours of your life and still be left unsatisfied? Then you should click here. If not, continue living life as you have been living it, but ask yourself this: have you truly been living at all?

*Large numbers confuse me.

Top Five... Wednesday?

2005-08-03T17:47:00.000-07:00

Fuck alliteration.

The Cosmic Mixtape presents...
The Top Five Songs That've Kicked My Ass Recently

Now, this probably doesn't actually need to be presented in list form, but what can I say? I like making lists, even if they are totally uninteresting to people that aren't me. Anyway, these songs are awesome--so awesome, in fact, that if you download these songs off iTunes and are disappointed, I will personally give you a dollar.* These have been haunting my every waking moment the past few weeks, and like the evil videotape in The Ring, I must pass them on to survive. Listen to them, smell them, taste them, love them...

5) Clap Your Hands Say Yeah "Over and Over Again (Lost & Found)"

After picking up the buzz about two months late (a lifelong habit) I decided to hop on the bandwagon and check these guys out. Beside having the coolest band name ever, this band churns out some sweet indie rock. There might be better songs than this on their debut album but I haven't listened to them, because I just can't turn this one off. This song is an extended groove built on a steady beat, layered with interesting bloops and beeps, and garnished with lazy guitar lines and the singer's addictive whine of a voice. Reading over this last sentence the song might not sound too appealing, but it's more than the sum of its parts. Check it out.

4) The Blood Brothers "Cecilia & the Silhouette Saloon"

Every time I listen to this song it blows me away. This isn't even from their most recent album, but I was reminded of how amazing this song was when I visited my friends Keith and Dylan and we thrashed our bodies for a full five minutes when this song came on. This is a twisted hardcore (if the term is even relevant anymore) epic with pulsing synth lines, shredding vocals, wild beats, surprising melody, and incredibly disturbing stream-of-consciousness lyrics. This is the aural equivalent of a car wreck--it's equally repulsive and fascinating. Put it on and punch your friends in their stupid faces. Also, don't listen to screamo.

3) Antony & the Johnsons "Hope There's Someone"

This song sounds like it was recorded by a ghost in the empty bell-tower of a cathedral. The gorgeous androgynous vocals are intricately layered and spiral upwards over a spare piano part. The lyrics are heartbreaking and honest. Just try and listen to this song without a shiver running up your spine. It's that beautiful.

2) Of Montreal "Disconnect the Dots"

Shrooms! While I've never actually ingested any hallucinogenic drug, I imagine I'd want to put this song on repeat before I did. This song is chock full of groovy, psychadelic guitars and keyboards over electronic beats that'll make you want to dance like it's 1969. Repetitive but never boring, trippy but never irritating, this might just be the soundtrack for your next chemical indiscretion.

1) Sufjan Stevens "The Predatory Wasp of the Palisades Is Out to Get Us!!"

Even though Seven Swans was my favorite album of last year I wasn't really paying attention to the unconventional singer-songwriter's next album--I loved Seven Swans for its stripped down aesthetic and honest lyrics, and having not listened to Michigan I didn't know if I was interested in Stevens' bigger, orchestrated sound. I decided to pick up the album anyway because the whole cover fiasco (a copyrighted image of Superman) made it a collectible sort of oddity. Needless to say, I was absolutely floored by the album. Sufjan Stevens has a wonderful gift of melding strong storytelling abilities with gorgeous melodies and inventive arrangements. This song, in particular, is simply stunning. It alternates between a delicate folk melody (consisting of fingerpicked guitar and beautiful falsetto) and a huge, multi-part choral swell. The lyrics are incredibly honest and moving and complement the music perfectly. Last week there was a whole day where I listened to nothing except this song. I suggest you do the same.

*This is a lie.

Please Name Our Planet!

2005-07-31T18:35:00.000-07:00

As reported in recent galactic news, a new planet has been discovered in our solar system. First of all, kudos to the scientists who figured this out even though they will make no money from their discovery. For comparative purposes, remember that Paris Hilton has never done anything and has made 56781x more money than any of these scientists ever will, even if they do happen to release a home sex tape. (Come to think of it, here's an idea--our government should pay useless, attractive celebrities like Paris Hilton to have sex with scientists who make significant but nonprofitable discoveries. Scientific research would enter a new golden age.) So hey, new planet, that's great--one problem, though. The name. The tenth planet in our solar system is currently named 2003UB313. I'm no expert, but that name sucks ass. Here are a few suggestions for some new names for our new (to us) neighbor.

Roman Deities
Since we have a classic, time-tested theme going already, we could do worse than name the new plant after a god that no one believes in. How about Cupid? They could do a tie-in with hallmark and sell shitloads of Valentine's Day merchandise. If you're not into love, we could name the planet Tellus after the god of the earth. That's right, we could pull narcissism to new heights and name the new planet after the god of our own planet. My own suggestion would be Picus, a minor woodland god. I just feel bad for this guy--the only thing that's ever been named after him is the woodpecker.

Unicron
Yeah, this is the name of the giant planet-eating planet featured in Transformers: The Movie and voiced by Orson Welles. Presumably 2003UB313 can't transform into a giant robot nor speak in a luscious baritone, but even so it would be kickass. Also, aliens who have seen the movie would be too scared to invade our solar system.

Samantha
I just always liked the name Samantha.

Jesus or Mohammed
These names work for hundreds of thousands of people on our globe--it would probably work for 2003UB313, too. Plus, God or Allah might be so impressed that they would stave off armageddon for another couple of years.

Verizon Wireless
They own everything and advertise everywhere, so it makes sense that they would get their slimy mitts on our new planet. If we're lucky it will just be used in conjunction with the name of the planet (as in Verizon Wireless presents Jesus) rather than as a name itself, but that might be too subtle.

Any other suggestions? Drop a comment (like it's hot).

The Ever-Watching Eye Reports

2005-07-28T23:06:00.000-07:00

*In Starbucks the other day, I actually heard a guy calling someone to "come and meet me at the 'Bucks." This guy needs to be attacked by jackals.

*J.K. Rowling needs to search for new and interesting variations of the verb "to blush". I would complain that this is an overused device, but I remember doing much face-flushing , scarlet-turning, and pink-rising myself when I was in high school.

*I picked up an unusual but amusing verbal tick from a guy named John when I was back in Virginia. One of his favorite things is to insert the word "but" between two agreeing statements. Example: I like you, but I think you're cool. It's off-putting at first, but kind of enjoyable.

*I find myself embarrassingly addicted to Gilmore Girls. It's funny, but it's really clever. Try not to tell anyone.

*I've started to get caffeine headaches if I don't drink coffee. It all seemed so glamorous at first--I thought I could stop whenever I wanted to. Still, I figure there are worse addictions (see: Gilmore Girls).

*David Sedaris has the most fucked-up family of all time, and we are all the better for it (read his books!). Thanks to Ben for bringing this one up.

*Ben is having a bodacious beach birthday party tomorrow. Surf, sun, and sangria--can anyone ask for more?

*I'm going to a wedding this Saturday. This will be the second wedding I've attended this summer that features people who are either roughly my age or younger. This is incredibly unnerving. More on marriage, making out, and mental instability later.

Presenting... Top Five Tuesday

2005-07-26T22:03:00.000-07:00

I feel the irresistable urge to make lists of things. I'm not sure if this is a personality quirk or a severe mental disablility, but I am compelled, with like things, to organize them into a great hierarchy of being. This method of operating may have been caused by a childhood filled with standardized testing and Mind Trap. There is a catch--I cannot, under any circumstances, make a list of something that will prove useful or in anyway practical. This excludes chores, errands, and homework. Yet for some reason, I can still devote hours of my time to listing the best Danish hip-hop albums of 1963 (they were very advanced). In the ongoing spirit of self indulgence, I give you...

The Cosmic Mixtape presents...*
The Top Five Reasons Andrew Can't Finish Anything On Time

5) TiVo and iPod

Besides butchering all logical use of capital letters, these two products--when handily available--can and will immediately divert me from whatever task is at hand.

4) High Fashion

Everyone knows it's not cool to show up somewhere early. It's much cooler to arrive fifteen to twenty minutes late and 'make an entrance'. How much cooler, then, is it to arrive twenty minutes after the party is over? Yeah?

3) Extreme Personal Importance

It's not that I can't finish things on time, it's that these things aren't worth my precious time. For example, have I ever been late to my own birthday party? Okay, that's a bad example, but you know what I mean.

2) Inflexibility

Time is just too damn unforgiving. I think it should make allowances and slow down for extenuating circumstances, like reruns of "Hogan's Heroes" and me not wanting to walk up the stairs to update my blog.

1) Attention Span

My attention span has been severely retarded due to extended public education and easy internet access. I can't be held responsible for detail-work, like arriving to jobs, school, and weddings at their specified time. Hopefully this list of excuses will explain why Top Five Tuesday is being finished on Thursday.

*The top five list has been amended to address a more pertinent topic.

A Brave New World (or How the Facebook Has Ruined My Life)

2005-07-25T00:17:00.000-07:00

This has to be a record--after living in the new millenium for only five years (six if you're one of those douchebags who counts 2000 as the first year of the millenium and constantly reminds everybody) humanity has managed to completely screw up interpersonal relationships. The advent of online dating services, mySpace, and blogging--hey, I never claimed to be perfect--has turned meeting people into a sick, beautiful game that allows you to know everything aboubt a person before you even speak to them. The worst of these, by far, is the dreaded Facebook.

In the old days, a stalker had to do footwork to find out the intimate details of someone's life. This served two distinct purposes: it made sure only the creepiest people were stalkers, as it was too much work for the common man, and it made sure the stalkers at least got exercise, so at least they were more in shape. The Facebook is like Satan in HTML--it not only tempts you to do things you would never do otherwise, it also gives you the unlimited power to do so. In normal life I consider myself a pretty decent guy. I'm usually polite, genial, and respectful to people I might happen to meet. However, if I know these people go to my school I will immediately go home and look up them on Facebook and discover their favorite movies, major, eating habits, close relations, and sleeping patterns. I will instantly become their "friend" (because after getting the Facebook the only thing that matters is that you have more friends than everyone you know) no matter how little I know them/like them. After this, I will go look up my middle school crushes and try to friend people I hated in high school.

This is especially weird if you like someone and want to hang out with them. If they--heaven forbid--post a link to their blog on the Facebook you will know their entire life story, complete with drama, humor, and embarrassment. But here's the tricky part: you have to pretend not to know all this information about them that they posted willingly on the internet. Even though they themselves gave public access to their life, it is still stalking unless you pretend not to know these things. I can't really complain about this whole fucked up situation--after all, my blog is linked on my Facebook account and I have no idea who the hell is reading this*.

What does this lead? Total paralysis. I think there are some things I should probably find out from people from them, not from reading their confessional posts. Of course, this doesn't mean I'll stop using the Facebook. I'll just have to learn to pretend to not know better. After all, I still have to track down that middle school crush (Ashley Nichols, where have you gone?).

Transformer of the Day:

Blur! This guy kicked so much ass but never really got the recognition he deserved... all because of a speech impediment. He also transformed into something really cool, even though it was not a vehicle that had any reasonable basis in reality (car/motorcycle/tank/hand vacuum). These two things really added up against him, even though the guy that did the micro-machine commercials provided his voice for the cartoon. Let's recognize his stupendous contribution to the world of ass-kicking robot cars.

*Note: It's probably just Jon, in which case I apologize for making you read all this ridiculous crap.

Summer Love

2005-07-23T11:29:00.000-07:00

Ah! The pleasures of the weekend. Sleeping in late. Uh, sleeping in late. Mostly, the pleasures of the weekend are sleeping in late. Of course, jobless me has been sleeping in every day of the week, so the pleasure of the weekend has pretty much been negated. I can hear all of my stressed, gainfully employed friends glowering at me from across the nation. So maybe there's still one pleasure left for the weekend--I get to sleep in along with everybody else and not feel guilty about it. That is worth a celebration.

There have been a few summer pleasures that I've been enjoying for the past few months. I usually don't particularly like the summer, because almost everyone I know from college moves back to their home state and it's always a strange, limbo-like period between college semesters. However, these are the little things that have made my summer not only bearable, but even enjoyable.

Pleasure #1: Harry Potter

If you would have told me a month ago I would have derived this much entertainment from the exploits of a teenage boy, I would have thought you were accusing me of something. Being both an English major and an unrepentant book snob I always thought the Harry Potter series was a little below me. After repeated recommendations from trustworthy friends, I decided to give the series a go. Three weeks later I've read through the first four books, started the fifth, and wished I had come to my senses much, much sooner. These are not just great children's books; they are great books, and they have brought a lot of fun to my summer.

Pleasure #2: The Zombies

After reading a number of recommendations from different magazines, blogs, and people, I decided to give the Zombies--a sixties era pop band--a chance. I picked up their album Odessey and Oracle and I was completely blown away. This album is full of brilliant melodies, lyrics, and orchestration, and stands up as a masterpiece. The album is full of lush harmonies, inventive arrangements, and brilliant narratives. I especially recommend "Care of Cell 44" and "Butcher's Tale (Western Front 1914)". It's the perfect soundtrack for summer.

Pleasure #3: Iron Chef

One of the benefits of living at home is the mega tricked-out television system, complete with HDtv and TiVo. I'm not normally much of a television watcher--and what I do watch I watch on DVD--but with this system and an incredibly comfortable couch, it's easy to get sucked in. Iron Chef has quickly risen to the top of my favorite shows--if you don't already know and love it, imagine a cooking show being performed in the style of American Gladiators. The best parts include Kitchen Stadium, the melodramatic host, the secret ingredient, and the complete seriousness with which everyone on the show goes about the challenge. Plus, the food always looks pretty tasty, even when they invent things like fish ice cream. Yuck.

So, there's a short list of things that can brighten up pretty much anyone's day/week/season. I'm now going to see Wedding Crashers with my family. I've heard it's pretty entertaining, but the real enjoyment will come when I see my Dad being incredibly nervous around the sex scenes. Awkward, but funny.

Press Play

2005-07-23T00:47:00.000-07:00

So, the beginning of a new blog. Like many people my age (21) and socioeconomic bracket (upper-middle class), I tend to be quick to start new things and quick to quit these things when they stop entertaining me. Some might call this behavior flaky or irresponsible. These people might be my parents. I prefer the adjectives adventurous and interesting, however misplaced they may be. Plus, I was getting tired of livejournal and I like the font on blogger. Ahem.

These pleasantries aside, let the cosmic mixtape... BEGIN! And let's hope the first track isn't by the Earlies--I saw them play last night and they were terrible.